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Жыл я в хате однокомнатной на Троещине, в самой жопе стольного града Киева, что в Украине. Жил неплохо, платил немного. Но приключился со мной случай, который перевернул фсю мою размеренную жизнь, и благодаря которому мне пришлось съехать из своего рая в шалаше вникуда…

Однажды ф студёную зимнюю пору я вышел из хаты и пошёл в ларёг за пивом Славутич Мицнэ в литровых пластиковых ёмкостях. (Кстате, почему в России пиво в основном в полуторолитровых, а в Украине в литровых и двухлитровых бутылях? Не иначе здесь имеет место какой-то маркетинговый эксперимент с целью вычисления потребительских предпочтений в разрезе славянских народностей!) Так вот. Купил я пива, сухариков клинское (российского, надо сказать, производства – экспансия русских сухариков в Украину ваще являеццо отдельной темой). Иду я значиццо обратно домой…

Подходит ко мне усатый хохляцкий дядько и говорит – сынок, мол, угости пивом. А то, видишь, какая лажа, остался без срецтв материальных, обчистили, сцуки малолетние. А выглядит дядько довольно-таки респектабельно – курточка такая модная, ботиночки типа казачок, oakley womens sunglasses мобилочка скандинавской фирмы нокия… Я и думаю – странно, обчистили, а мобилочку не забрали… Ну хуле, угощу хорошего человека (похуй што он хохол, я и сам уже почти хохол), а там, даст бог, сочтёмся. А ежели и не сочтёмся, так хоть карму себе малость облегчу за счёт страждущего и алчущего. И дал я дядьке пива…

Выпил дядько полбутылки литровой, вытер усы рукавом, та й говорит: пойдём, говорит, ко мне, у меня дочка дома красивая (гарна дивчына, то есть), я тебя с ней cheap oakleys познакомлю, хороший ты человек. Ну, говорю, пошли. (А хуле мне Cheap Jordans ещё делать, дома одному скучно, а тут гарна дивчина, туда-сюда). В общем, после пяти минут пешего хода пришли мы в дом девятиэтажный, поднялись на пятый, звонит он в дверь. Поясняет – ключи, мол, тоже вытащили, бляцкие гопники.

…Дверь открывает редкостного вида чудовище. Ноги толстые, жопа как пятнадцать моих, лецо в прыщах, изо рта торчит какая-то куриная нога, глазки маленькие, как у дауна, так моргают бессмысленно, в общем, пиздец… А дядько говорит – знакомься, Лёха, это моя дочка, Маричка.

Маричка кивнула так невнятно (ебальник-то курицей занят), мычит шо-то про себя, жир с ладоней капает… Потом прожевала и говорит до ужаса писклявым голосом – заходите, разувайтесь вот здесь, курточку сюда повесте. NFL Jerseys Cheap Ну, я зашол (хуле, я ж в состоянии глубокого транса находился), говорю – а мы вот тут… пиво пьём… с дядей витей… (Этого дядьку витей звали). Короче, не знаю я как с уёбищными дочками опщацца. Растерялся. А Маричка не растерялась… В течение получаса она настолько меня заебала своими рассказами ниочом, што я уже просто сидел и молчал. А дядя витя сидел и лыбу давил – типо, смотри-ка, какая парочка блять идеальная, красавец и чудовище нахуй. Хотя, он наверняка считал (да и щас считает) что его доченька самая красивая на свете, и что красивее неё может быть только жирная блять руслана пысанка.

Когда я пришол ф себя, то стал прощацца и говорить – ой, засиделся я у вас, давайте-ка я Wholesale Jerseys наверно съебусь… kills А Маричка своими бальмами дауническими захлопала, говорит – а во сколько ты завтра придёшь? Я отвечаю – боюсь, что ни во сколько. А она настаивает, говорит, я борщ вкусный приготовлю, пирожков нажарю. Я как прецтавил эти тесто, которое будет месицца её жирными пальцами в заусенцах, так меня чуть не вырвало. Говорю – ладно, там видно буит. Возможно, возможно…

И после этого моя жизнь пошла по пизде. Я не пришол на следущий день (ясень хуй!), зато Маричка через день пришла ко мне. Я охуел… Говорю – ты как меня нашло? А оно говорит – я твой адрес давно знаю, я давно тебя люблю, Лёша, и папу я специально к тебе позавчера подослала, чтоб он тебя к нам в гости привёл. Я, говорит, вот тут тебе курочку жареную принесла…

Я аж опиздинел окончательно… Постоял, посмотрел на неё, потом захлопнул дверь у неё перед ебальником. Она ещё минут пятнадцать потрезвонила в звонок, потом затихла. Ещё через пять минут звонит телефон. Я беру трупку, это Оно. Лёша, говорит, ну почему ты меня так обижаешь, что я тебе сделала? Я говорю – ты блять уёбище, не хватало ещё чтоп ты мне что-то сделала. Ну, понятно – сопли там, рыдания, вся хуйня… Через полчаса звонок в дверь. А я как раз Гешу ждал, он мне должен был диск с Офисом принести, а то у меня Офис накрылсо…

Открываю дверь (гласка-то нету, не просверлили блять), а там дядя витя в милитсейской форме. Говорит – ах ты сука блять кацапская, собирайся, писать пойдём. Я говорю – что писать, дядя витя? И что за маскарад такой? Откуда костюмчик, из театрального реквизита? А он отвечает – из днепровского районного отделения милитсыи, где я майором блять работаю! И – хуякс мне по ебальнику… Я кровь из носу вытер, и говорю – понял, не дураг… Оделся, и пошли мы с ним в милитсыю.

Оказалось что Маричка прибежала в слезах к папе на работу, ничего толком сказать не может, рыдает, трясёцца, истерика короче. Ну, папа её на служебном бобике домой отправил, а сам пошол ко мне, дабы ебальник мне разбить. Садись, говорит, рассказуй, что ты с моей маленькой Маричкой сделал. Я говорю – идите в хуй, дядя Витя, я её и пальтсем не тронул. Он спрашивает – ты кем работаешь? Я говорю – журналистом. Он говорит – а вот хочешь я тебе в трудовой книжке изнасилование нарисую? Годиков пятнадцать строгого режима тебе присобачу, и пиздец… И – по ебальнику мне.

…Я кровь вытер и говорю – слушай, пердун старый, я твою уёбищную дочку всего лишь назвал уёбищной, потому что у меня привычка профессиональная – называть весчи своими именами!.. Ну, он мне по ебальнику ещё пару рас дал, и говорит cheap jordans online – завтра я приду к тебе, пойдём к нам, извиняццо будешь. И ray ban sunglasses sale всё что она за хочет – сделаешь. И в кино как миленький её сводишь, и мороженым блять угостишь и все дела. А замуж за тебя захочет – женишься. А если рыпнешься – я тебя, сучара, найду и посажу.

И – по ебалу…

…Пришол я домой, упаковал свои шмотки в два чемодана, позвонил хозяйке, сказал Ray Ban Sunglasses что уезжаю, и свалил в Россию, к родителям, на полгодика. Щас вот вернулся в любимый Киев, работаю, живу в общаге. И очень боюсь некрасивых дивчын.

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