Get on my horse (WoW Edition)


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Как я начал курить

Я пиздец как был влюблён в Машку Зайцеву. По малолетству.
Ну, как влюблён? Выебать её хотел страшно.
Хотя, по большому счёту, мне в то время абсолютно было похуй кого ебать. Я ещё девственником был.
Машка Зайцева – самая охуенная кабыла у нас во дворе была.
Такая, не по годам сиськатая, блондинка с охуенной жопой. От неё все пацаны тащились. Только вот хуй кто пытался наладить с ней отношения. Её отец был работником милиции. Начальник районного отделения по работе с несовершеннолетними. Стрёмно как-то, в общем.

Короче, все пацаны двора провожали Машку голодными взглядом, но на предмет предложить поебатсо не решался никто.
В том числе и я.

Тем более я. Стеснительный, прыщавый сынок библиотекаря и работника НИИ новых информационных технологий. При этом, каждый день, закрывшись в ванной, я яростно надрачивал себе, представляя как мой хуй вонзается в жопу Зайцевой.
И тут у меня появилась возможность. Нет, конечно, не поебатсо с Машкой, а просто побыть к ней поближе. Не думаю, что у меня был шанс хотя бы потрогать её по сиську, но как минимум возникала возможность напиздеть какой-то хуйни пацанам.
Всё началось с того, что в 10 классе я начал, втихаря от родителей, выпивать, шпилить в секу и полностью забил хуй на учёбу. Меня даже хотели выпиздовать со школы, но помогло вмешательство папаши. Он иногда бухал с директором школы на каких-то культурных мероприятиях. После разговора с ним, батя жёстко отхуячил меня ремнём, а потом отпаивал маму карвалолом. Для неё было шоком узнать, что её любимое чадо за три четверти не получило ни одной оценки выше тройки по всем математическим дисциплинам. И это при полной уверенности моих родаков в том, что их сын поступит в инженерно – строительный.
На семейном совете было решено оправить меня к репетитору. У матери как раз была знакомая, подрабатывающая такой хуйнёй.
Знакомою звали Лидочка, фамилия её была Зайцева. И она была матерью Машки.

Через несколько дней мать отвела меня к ним домой.
Должен признаться, что это был волнующий момент. Я пиздец как хотел увидеть Машку в домашней обстановке.
Жильё начальника милиции оказалось на удивление простеньким. Зайцевы жили в двухкомнатном cheap ray bans хруще на Старой Ленинградской. Конечно, у них был видак и югославская мебель, но, я лично думал, что мент в звании полковника должен жить покруче. Ну, да хуй in с ней. С обстановкой.
С Лидией Сергеевной Зайцевой заранее было уговорено, что повышать мои знания она будет по вечерам. Так ей было удобнее. Мой репетитор оказалась приятной, толстой тёткой с белоснежной улыбкой и грустными глазами.
Мать погрозила мне пальцем, сказала, что зайдёт через три часа заплатить денег за урок, и я остался заниматься.
Дома также был отец Машки. Он абсолютно не был похож на мента. Усатый, в пору жене толстый хрен в майке потрепал меня за ухо и, что-то напевая, hockey jerseys уебал на кухню.
Но, это всё хуйня.
В тот момент, когда Лидия Сергеевна начала расспрашивать меня о том, что в последнее время я проходил по алгебре и геометрии, появилась Машка. В тот же миг у меня предательски встал. Делая вид, что мне абсолютно похуй её появление, я молча кивнул башкой, прижал рукой в кармане хуй к ноге и уселся за стол учиться писать формулы и рисовать треугольники.
Еще дома была Машкина сеструха. В отличие от старшей, это была невзрачная угловатая мышь лет четырнадцати. Меня она совсем не заинтересовала.

Следующие пару часов Лидия Сергеевна тщетно пыталась вбить мне в мозг какие-то основы геометрии и алгебры. Я, соответственно, ужасно тупил, абсолютно не понимая разницу между тангенсами, синусами-хуиносами и косинусами-хуёнисами. При чём, должен признаться, я вообще не различал две главных математических дисциплины.
Да и думал я не том. Мой хуй продолжал вставать, как только в коридоре пробегал объект моих дрочемыслей.
Отчаявшись втолдычить мне хоть что-нибудь, репетитор тяжело вздохнула, сказала «для начала совсем не плохо» и пригласила меня пить чай. До прихода матери оставалось чуть более часа.
Я, было, начал отнекиваться, но её предложение звучало настолько утвердительно, что я молча встал и попиздячил на кухню.

На кухне мой ебальник мгновенно приобрел цвет, свойственный хуйне которой испанцы машут перед мордами быков. За небольшим столиком сидели Машка с папашей и ебашили пирог с чаем.
– Ну, как учёба? – Машка улыбнулась, и я моментально засунул руку в карман спортяков.
В ответ я пролепетал какую-то хуйню и молча опустил свою жопу рядом с Зайцевой.
Напротив уселась Лидия Сергеевна, налила мне чаю и начала листать газету. Батя Зайцевой был слегка подвыпившим и, при появлении новых ушей, начал молоть хуебень насчёт наркоты, тюрьмы и пидараса прокурора.
Красный как рак, я положил себе в тарелку кусок яблочного пирога и стал ковырять в нём вилкой. Руку держать в штанах было не удобно, и я чувствовал, как под столом начинает раскрываться, сука, парашют.
Глава семейства, что называется вошел в азарт, и видимо, вообразив меня потенциальным объектом своей деятельности, продолжал за каким-то хуем доказывать, что пристрастие несовершеннолетних к алкоголю стопудов cheap jordan shoes ведёт к совершению уголовных проступков.
По-дурацки вылупившись на него, я, к своему охуению, почувствовал как о мою ногу что-то трётся.


Это была Машкина нога. Зайцева младшая, абсолютно не обращая внимания на лепет отца, что-то бормотала себе под нос и дёргала ногой.
Это был полный пиздец. Под столом было недостаточно места, что бы убрать ногу, и я продолжал сидеть, не шевелясь. Как памятник, мать его, Лермонтову, блядь.
В миг мой лоб покрылся испариной, по спине поползли капли пота. Казалось, что хуй сейчас просто порвёт штаны.
Я попытался думать о чём-то другом, но моё воображение продолжало рисовать знакомою картину жопоёбли. Машка не переставала дёргать ногой, и даже больше. Сучка, видимо почувствовав, что вводит меня такими действиями в стеснение, как бы невзначай подвинулась ближе и начала водить ногой медленней.
С каждой секундой я всё больше ощущал, что могу взорваться, разлетевшись на маленькие капли спермы.

Понимая, что мне пиздец как надо кончить, я, преодолев стеснения, спросил, где находиться туалет. Получив ответ, я, предварительно сделав ход, визуально скрывающий стояк, пулей вылетел с кухни.
Закрыв двери на кухню, я дернул двери в ванную, но они предательски не поддавались.
– Блядь, – я матернулся сквозь зубы.
Сучка – Машкина сестра – отошедшая по своим делам, полностью перечёркивала мой план.
Оценив обстановку, я тихонько открыл двери в спальню и проник туда. В коридоре я мог остаться замеченным, а зал находился в аккурат напротив кухни.

Осторожно закрыв за собой двери, я на ощупь прошел пару шагов и упёрся в кровать. Больше медлить не было сил, и времени. Опустив по колени штаны, я достал хуй и начал яростно надрачивать.
В спешке, понимая, что всё нужно делать оперативно, я не устоял на ногах и ебнулся. К моему счастью я не был изобличен в результате грохота от падения, и я упал на кровать.
Желая побыстрее закончить начатое, я решил не подыматься, а перевернулся на бок и продолжил дрочить на кровати.

В этот момент меня постиг самый большой ахуй за все мои прожитые до этого неполных шестнадцать.
В полном охуевении я почувствовал, как мой хуй схватило что-то тёплое, мокрое и начало сосать. При чём схватило довольно таки мастерски, с каждым движением все, глубже засасывая мой стручок.

– УУУУУУУ – я, сука, взвыл от неожиданного Cheap Jordans кайфа.

– АААААА! – хуй яростно сжимался губами, по стволу нежно бегал язык.

«Вот сука, а малая-то! Малая!»
Я просто ошибочно подумал, что невзрачная Машкина сестра застряла в туалете посрать. Эта сучка лежала в постели и наверняка теребила свою горошину с мыслями о таком мачо как я. И вот этот мачо здесь, даёт тебе на клык, крошка. И главное, какая заводная сука! Сразу сообразила, что нужно делать. Без лишних выебосов, как у твоей ебанутой сестрички! Ты далеко пойдешь малышка, бля!

– ОХ! – закусив нижнюю губу, я кончил, наполнив спермачом рот самой маленькой, но бесспорно самой достойной Зайцевой.

Это было охуенно! Я, было, откинулся на кровать, что бы передохнуть. Но тут сразу же сообразил, что нужно ретироваться. В одно мгновенье я был на ногах, натянул штаны и, не сказав ни слова созданию, которое сделало меня мужчиной, вышел из комнаты.
Осторожно закрыв за собой дверь, я четко решил не дожидаться прихода матери и сьёбывать с квартиры нахуй.

Открыв дверь на кухню, я заявил, что у меня болит живот и of мне пора уходить. Отец семейства, которого видимо, развезло ещё больше, что-то буркнул и начал чесать репу. Лидия Сергеевна взволновано спросила, не нужна ли мне таблетка?
Я ответил «Нет», и мой репетитор встал, чтобы проводить меня до дверей.
Машка продолжала улыбаться, думая, что я всё ещё продолжаю находиться под воздействием её прикосновений.
Сказать по правде, влекло меня к ней намного меньше, если не сказать, что её личность мне была абсолютно похуй. Она даже выглядеть стала хуевей.
При такой-то сеструхе!

В тот момент, когда Лидия Сергеевна что-то шепнула мужу на ухо (скорей всего отправляла его спать), меня постиг второй ахуй, по ахуевизму намного превосходящий первый.
Дверная ручка ванной опустилась, клацнул замок, дверь открылась и в коридоре появилась Машкина сестра с полотенцем на голове.
Я, конечно, не видел, но мне кажется, что в тот момент мои глаза не то, что бы вылезли на лоб, а вылезли, пробежали по квартире олимпийскую стометровку и вернулись обратно.
Переводя взгляд с малой на дверь в спальную, я облокотился на стенку и начал икать.

Последующий диалог между членами семейства Зайцевых поверг меня в полную пиздорезку, ибо по-другому это состояние назвать нельзя.

– Лена! Ты в ванной уже больше часа! – вспылила Лидия Сергеевна, обращаясь к младшей дочери, – Ты же обещала покормить тётю Аню!


– Мам, не ори на неё, – отозвался предмет моих сексуальных желаний последних лет, – Я приготовила всё, сейчас всё сделаем.

Машка Зайцева вскочила с места, схватила со стола, ранее не замеченною мной, бутылочку с какой-то белой смесью и, пробежав мимо меня, открыла дверь в спальню и включила свет.


Стараясь на ебануться без сознания, я сделал шаг вперёд, заглянул в комнату и почувствовал, как, мои ноги медленно теряют естественную для человеческого организма температуру и отнимаются.

На кровати в спальне лежала взрослая, лет сорока пяти, недвижимая женщина с перекошенным, морщинистым лицом. При виде Машки она, слегка приподняла голову, что-то промычала и повернула башку. Остальная часть её туловища не двигалась. Машка поправила ей голову, надела на бутылочку соску и тыкнула тёте Ане в рот. Со знакомым мне мастерством тётя Аня начала сосать соску, Cheap Jordan Shoes опустошая от смеси бутылку.

– Да ты не обращай внимания. Не пугайся, – обратилась ко мне Лидия Сергеевна, – Это сестра моя. Младшенькая. На урановом карьере работала. Вот тебе и последствия. Хотя врачи говорят, что со временем станет на ноги. Идём, я ray ban sunglasses тебя до двери провожу.

Лидия Сергеевна прикрыла дверь, положила мне руку на плечо и мы пошли в сторону выхода.
Когда она закрыла за мной дверь, я ещё минут пять стоял и смотрел на почтовый ящик, а потом просто вышел на улицу, купил пачку Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses сигарет и сделал первую в жизни затяжку.
Выкурив половину сигареты, я обернулся, посмотрел на дом Зайцевых и заржал.

А инженерно – строительный уверенным шагом шёл нахуй. В этом я был уверен полностью.

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